Toolkit
Culture
Nonviolent Communication
(NVC) Basics
What
Nonviolent Communication (NVC) provides easy to grasp, effective communication skills to get to the root of conflict, pain and violence peacefully. By examining the unmet needs behind what we do or say, NVC helps reduce hostility, heal pain and strengthen professional and personal relationships.
Why
If “violent” means acting in ways that result in hurt or harm, then much of how we communicate—judging others, bullying, having racial bias, blaming, discriminating, criticizing others or ourselves, etc.—could be called “violent communication.”. Compassionate communication, or Nonviolent Communication, on the other hand, empowers leaders to:
- Defuse emotionally charged situations
- Get to the heart of conflicts and disputes quickly
- Prevent future pain and misunderstanding
- Efficiently address concerns in the moment
- Initiate difficult conversations with ease
- Improve workplace morale
- Move beyond power struggles to co-operation and trust
How
Setup: Performed in dyads, between manager and subordinate, or between colleagues, who have a tension they want to dissolve.
Partner A shares OBSERVATIONS the data, as if they were a video recorder, sharing only the actual facts of what happened. No feelings, no judgments, just what Partner A observed (see, hear, remember). Partner B listens and repeats back what was heard.
Partner A shares FEELINGS, e.g., sad, happy, angry, ashamed, fear, about the data. No judgments / conclusions. Partner B listens and repeats back what was heard.
Partner A shares their NEEDS– what they need or value (rather than a preference, or a specific action) that causes the feelings. Partner B listens and repeats back what was heard.
Partner A shares their REQUESTS, the concrete actions they would like taken. Partner B listens and repeats back what was heard.
Partners switch and repeat.
Tips and Traps
Spend some time each day quietly reflecting on how we would like to relate to others and ourselves.
Remember that all human beings have the same basic needs.
Check our intention to see if we are as interested in others getting their needs met as our own.
When asking someone to do something, check first to see if we are making a request or a demand.
Instead of saying what we DON’T want someone to do, say what we DO want the person to do.
Instead of saying what we want someone to BE, say what action we’d like the person to take that we hope will help the person be that way.
Before agreeing or disagreeing with anyone’s opinions, try to tune in to what the person is feeling and needing.
Instead of saying “No,” say what need of ours prevents us from saying “Yes.”
If we are feeling upset, think about what need of ours is not being met, and what we could do to meet it, instead of thinking about what’s wrong with others or ourselves.
Instead of praising someone who did something we like, express our gratitude by telling the person what need of ours that action met.
Examples
- Your chronic lateness insults me. Stop it! (violent communication)…becomes
- When I notice you arrive late without notifying me, I feel sad because I feel like you don’t value my time. As your business partner, I need to feel like you care. I request that you let me know when you are going to be late so I can plan accordingly. (NVC)
Attributions
Dr. Marshall B. Rosenberg, founder and director, The Center for Nonviolent Communication.
by Montaia